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Illinois Rule Book
For those of you who have visited the great state of Illinois, or plan to in the future, I pass this on:

Subject: : Illinois Rule Book
This list of rules will be handed to each person as they enter the state.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym. He doesn't need your respect, but he sure deserves it.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport.

9. The Fighting Illini and the ISU Redbirds are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch.

10. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

12.So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we drive two weeks a year.

13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

15. Yeah, we eat catfish--carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

16. They are hogs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 57 goes two ways- I-70 goes the other two. Pick one.

17. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at the church.

18. So every person in every pick-up waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

20. Now, enjoy your visit to Illinois.

Male Learning Curve

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So, I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl but I couldn't keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and looking for a girl with very big breasts.

The Truth

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
Chief Two Eagles, one official began, you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems.
The chief nodded.
The official continued, Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.. The chief smiled, and added quietly, White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.


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		Someone Send Me Some Jokes! The Pope, Bin Laden and Pres Bush was walking along the beach when The Pope found a Genies Lamp and started rubbing it. A Genie appeared and said "I can't give all of you three wishes but I can give you one wish apiece!" He asked the Pope what he wanted and the Pope replied "I want world hunger to end!" The Genie said "Done!" and world hunger ended! The Genie then asked bin Laden what he wanted and bin Laden said "Everyone is messing with me so I want a wall built around my country so everyone will leave me alone!" The Genie thought about it and said "Done!" and there was the wall around the country! Then the Genie asked Pres Bush what he wanted. Pres Bush said "First tell me about this wall around Laden's country." The Genie said "Well, it is 10,000 ft tall and 12 ft thick and completely encircles the whole place! Nothing can go over it or penetrate it!" Ol' George just smiled and said "Fill it up with water!" Illinois Rule Book For those of you who have visited the great state of Illinois, or plan to in the future, I pass this on: Subject: : Illinois Rule Book This list of rules will be handed to each person as they enter the state. 1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym. He doesn't need your respect, but he sure deserves it. 2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way. 3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it. 4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women. 5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait. 6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport. 9. The Fighting Illini and the ISU Redbirds are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch. 10. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon. 11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. 12.So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we drive two weeks a year. 13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute. 15. Yeah, we eat catfish--carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop. 16. They are hogs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 57 goes two ways- I-70 goes the other two. Pick one. 17. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at the church. 18. So every person in every pick-up waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish. 20. Now, enjoy your visit to Illinois.						Male Learning Curve When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So, I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now 40 and looking for a girl with very big breasts. The Truth The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. Chief Two Eagles, one official began, you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems. The chief nodded. The official continued, Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong? The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.. The chief smiled, and added quietly, White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.